Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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