She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
