I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
