You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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