so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think i have two assholes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
