I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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