So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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