I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
