Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
