Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
