tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
