He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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