I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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