I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So vagazzling was a success
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
