We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
