I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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