Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
