Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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