FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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