I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
