I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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