My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
