it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
