Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
