I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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