You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
