Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
