I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
