My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
