I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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