Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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