you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
