i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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