Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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