There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
