I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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