oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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