oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
