im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
