On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
