For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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