Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
