I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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