How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize