i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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