you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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