Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
