I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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