He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
