He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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