she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
