One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love you. Go after that dick
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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