eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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