Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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