I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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