I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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